Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
