i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
