I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
