i wish starbucks made bloody marys
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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