Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize