That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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