worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
