Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
