i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
