Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i came on her dog
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
