I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
