Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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