sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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