I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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