im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
