ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
