I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
