i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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