Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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