how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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