Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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