I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
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I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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