so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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