fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
