I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
only you would photoshop your dick
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
