I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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