i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
