I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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