you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
