I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
