Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
