I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
