Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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