Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
