The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
