All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
