Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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