I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
