Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
