i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
