Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
