Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
