I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
