I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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