They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
