And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Say something about gay babies.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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