I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
