WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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