I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
