meet me or not, i'm out of control
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
