Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
