It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
