She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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